Screw the scarf, says the Bald Woman

Before hair loss, I was worried about being bald. I was fairly vain about my luscious locks, and I was sure I would be  hideous without hair. 

I was also sure that scarves and hats would be just fine.

Ha! to both those silly thoughts! 

I hate wearing scarves and hats. No joke. I'd rather walk around bald. I actually like how the air feels as it ruffles my seven longer gray hairs on top of my head. Hats are okay for warmth, but then I get too warm. Scarves are pretty, but they move all over the place. 

No wig for me. When I go to the "cancer beauty salon," I see all the gorgeous wigs and wonder, but the thought of putting one on my head doesn't sound appealing to me. The women who are in there with their wigs look gorgeous! No one would know they were wearing a wig, but I can't bring myself to touch them.

My mom bought a wig when she had breast cancer, and she looked so funny it. She too went bald rather than wear all the scarves and hats. 

I'm not hideous either. I learned I have nice cheekbones. Bald makes my eyes look bigger too. 

Bald doesn't need much care. I like that. I can be in and out of the shower in five minutes, and I'm not spending 10 minutes or more fixing my hair.

Bald sometimes makes me sad, especially after dreaming of long, beautiful hair. But the short hairs on top of my head feel cool as I squoosh them. 

Bald isn't as embarrassing as I thought, either. Unless I take my hat off in public in front of my son. Then he's embarrassed. I try not to embarrass him. 

I wish it were warmer so I ditch the hats completely, but it's still chilly so on they go. 

Bald is my state right now. But I can't wait to see what my hair will look like when it grows back!

Frankenboobs

When this all began, cancer I mean, my surgeon took one look at me and asked if I wanted a double mastectomy or a lumpectomy. I've always hated my breasts; it's hard to love something that you spend a lifetime fending hands from groping and grabbing, so I always thought a double mastectomy would be fine. Until I was faced with one.

I couldn't breathe. The thought of losing both my breasts, eight weeks of work, and then having to have breast reconstruction (if I wanted) was overwhelming. I took the genetics test; I knew I wasn't a breast cancer gene carrier.

Finally, I decided on a lumpectomy, but based on the size of the lump, my surgeon said my breasts would be lopsided. Then she suggested a breast reduction. I felt like I had finally been handed a gift after all. A breast reduction! Smaller boobs!

By the time my surgery rolled around, I was nervous. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this after all. It was too late, though. When I woke up, my boobs looked Frankenstein-esque. Cuts, bruises, holes, stitches. Looking at my breasts, I wasn't sure the entire process was worth it.

Four months later, the scars have healed, the bruises are gone. My neck and back feel better. I feel better about me. Although radiation will do damage to my 'new' boob, it will recover and so will I.

Insurance companies deny women breast reductions after lumpectomies, which is a travesty. Women deserve the chance to feel good about themselves, even when enduring cancer treatments. My plastic surgeon's office fought my insurance company to get this surgery for me. There are far more offices that won't. And far too many insurance companies who feel breast surgery after a lumpectomy or a double mastectomy is 'elective' and unnecessary.

A shame.

Medical bills...WHAT?

I have fairly shitty insurance. I've known that, and because I'm not often sick, I coped with it.

Now that I've had cancer, chemo, and soon radiation, I realize just how shitty it is to get sick in the US. I've already paid about 6000.00 to meet my deductible, and now more bills are starting to roll in. I've decided that "they"--doctors' offices, hospitals, etc.--like to wait until you're more than halfway finished with treatment to start hitting you with the cost. Currently, I owe $1000 to my surgeon for talking to me in August and her assistant for my lumpectomy, a person I never met.

Getting the mail has become a scary necessity. I love getting mail, but since most of my mail relates to medical bills, I hate opening the box. Up next, I assume I'll get billed from the anesthesiologists, the plastic surgeon, some guy named Bill who was in the OR with me, but who I never met. Then the chemo bills will be here. I estimate this venture will cost between $15,000-$20,000, and I have insurance.

What about those who don't have insurance? What happens to them?

My greater worries include my yearly MRIs I'll now need as well as the cost of cancer drugs for the next five years. And although my insurance can't drop me, I'll not be able to find new insurance. Regardless of the Affordable Healthcare Act, insurance companies still turn people away.

I'm angry about what this will cost me, but I'm even angrier that medical costs are so completely out of control. I'm angry that 'regular' people have to forgo medicines and care they need because they have to choose between their family and their health.

For those reading this, what do you think? Are medical costs out of control? How does the average American pay their medical bills?

Acupuncture for the Bald Woman?

Each time I consult a breast cancer site for the latest in a string of chemo side effects, one particular treatment stands out: acupuncture. 

I'm not a fan of needles, even though I get a regular flu shot and have blood draws, so acupuncture has simply been an idea, rolling around in my head. Plus, it's seemed a little 'new agey' to me, like crystals and incense. Finally, my curiosity got the best of me and I made an appointment.

Today was my first session, and I have to say, I was surprised. The needles didn't hurt, and the atmosphere was warm and relaxing. The acupuncturist treated my neuropathy and my exhaustion as well as dry mouth and mouth sores. I'm excited to see what the results are. 

I don't know if my oncologist would approve, but hey, it's my body. I have to do things that I think are right for it. Massage has been a huge relief, I'm sure acupuncture will be too.

If anyone is reading this, have you tried acupuncture? What did you think?

Diva and the Bald Woman

My dog, The Diva, has been my greatest nag throughout this entire cancer process. Not only does she NOT care that I'm feeling bad, but she's consistently insistent on taking our daily walks. And with few exceptions, we've walked regularly throughout this process.

My doctors told me initially that exercise would help me and suggested I walk regularly. Since I was already walking, lifting weights, and going to boot camp class, I felt that wouldn't be a problem. But as things started to happen, my lumpectomy, port placement, chemo, and as the weather grew colder and the days shorter, I began to make excuses as to why I couldn't go walking. Enter The Diva.

The Diva doesn't let up when I get home from a long day at work and would rather lay on the couch than walk  her. She whines, cries, and nags me until I give in, simply to make her stop. If it's snowing, she sits in front of the closet where my coat is, just so I know I can wear my coat and boots to walk. If it's dark, she's satisfied with a shorter walk. The end result of all this exercise is less depression and a satisfied rush when we get home.

We were walking mere days after surgery; we've walked the day of chemo, and the days after chemo. She doesn't care if I'm slow, which is good because I'm frequently slow. She does care if it's not long enough, so we're walking at least two miles each time we're out. I'm not allowed to cut it short, and if I do, The Diva is not a happy girl. She's pushed me to exercise, and I've felt better for that.

I appreciate my Diva girl, mostly because she's not feeling sorry for me. Instead, she's motivating me to take care of myself and to not wallow in pity because I've had cancer and chemo.

And now, it's time for our walk.
 #breastcancer
#breastcancersux
#cancerawareness

Self-Indulgence and the Bald Woman

I'm totally bald. Fourteen days after my first chemo treatment, my hair began to fall out. To make life easier, I had the rest shaved. At first, it was weird and awesome! No more lengthy moments in the bathroom trying to get my hair 'just right.' I found an additional 15 minutes a day! 

But now, two months later, bald sucks. I'm always cold. I'm tired of hats and scarves. My head itches. People stare at me when I'm not wearing a hat. My head screams, "HEY! LOOK AT ME! I HAVE CANCER!" Well, I actually don't have cancer anymore, I just might have cancer cells waiting to join up again. 

I feel...ugly. 

I dream of hair. Long, luscious hair. Combing my hair. The wind tousling my hair. It's a bit shocking when I wake up and find out I'm still...bald. 

So I've decided to indulge myself. Why not? All the money I'm saving on hair cuts, dyes, and products is now going to scalp treatments. Apparently, bald women (and men, I assume) can have scalp treatments that include scalp massage. Wow. I almost hate the idea of having hair if it means I have to give up someone massaging my scalp. Actually, I'd rather have hair. 

But anyway. Today I indulged in a facial. For some women, I assume that's not a big deal, but it is for me. See, chemo drugs are drying my skin, and I think I'm too young to have the latest and greatest wrinkles. So I indulged. 

I laid there, feeling guilty for paying an outrageous sum of money for someone to rub my face, and tried to relax. Cancer carries a lot of stress with it. I wrestled with my guilt for nearly an hour, but I'm glad I indulged. We cancer patients have to sometimes do things that make us feel good about ourselves because we spend so much time hurting and thinking about cancer, doctor's appointments, chemo side effects. 

So today, I the Bald Woman indulged in a facial. 

And it was worth it. 

 #boundtobebald #breastcancersux #chemohair #breastcancer