It's over...for now

Last Thursday was my last radiation treatment, and now this chapter is finished...for now.

I thought I would cry, like I did when chemo ended, but I didn't. It's such a relief to be able to come home after work rather than fly out to radiation.

Does this mean cancer is gone? I don't know. I have to have my first mammogram in two weeks. Is it gone? Am I worried? Of course. It's natural to be worried, but I scheduled it right before work, so I can head there so I don't worry too much.

Will I have PTSD, like many patients? Should I see a therapist? What if cancer comes back? Can I do this again?

My hair's coming back; my toes are tingling less. The swelling has gone down in my ankles; my fingernails still look weird. I have energy and more flexibility than I had two months ago. I have checked my breast, and I can't tell what's going on--is that scar tissue or another lump?

I am glad to be finished with this part of my journey, but I still pray for those who are on it.

Joey Feek

Until recently, I hadn't heard of Joey+Rory, but Joey's battle with stage 4 cancer caught my eye right around the time I was having my lumpectomy. Here is a beautiful, talented wife and mother who is caught in the unfair fight with cancer. And she seems to be losing.

I admire her, her strength, her fortitude. I try to stay updated with her progress, and like many of her fans, I hope she wins. I hope she defeats cancer, even though I don't think her prognosis allows for her survival.

Her imminent death makes me sad. Angry too. Angry that this disease is destroying, slowly, a beautiful, talented woman. It's unfair. Cancer's unfair.

I also admire her husband, who is allowing the public to be part of his family for the short time he has his wife with him. I cannot imagine the pain and anguish he suffers each day as he watches his wife die slowly each day.

Joey's strength has given me strength. And an appreciation for life.

Thank you, Joey and Rory.

Swollen Feet and Ankles...No FUN!

For the past couple of weeks, I've been battling swollen feet and ankles. Although I'm not a dainty, skinny woman, I've always had decent legs and nice ankles, so seeing my legs and ankles swollen to twice their size is not pleasant.

It's not my blood pressure; it's fine.

It's not my salt intake; I'm careful.

I am drinking water, at least 70 ounces a day.

I do stand for my job, but they swell even when I'm not standing as much.

I've shown my doctors. They just want to give me a diuretic. I'd like to skip pills, if I can.

I understand it's edema, and it's a result of taxotere. It's uncomfortable and I feel gross.

I've looked up natural remedies to deal with the swelling, and I'm doing most of them.

Each day is a new side effect adventure. I'm impatient and want life to be  normal again.

For anyone reading this, do you have suggestions on reducing the edema in my legs and ankles??

Irresponsibility and the Surgical Tech

Last night, I was notified that a surgical tech who was in the OR when I had to have emergency surgery last November is under investigation for taking needles and using them for himself.

However, I'm not clear on what exactly this guy did; did he use the meds in the needles and then replace the meds with saline? Did he take the used needles for himself? I don't know.

What I do know is that I now have to go have a blood draw so I can be tested to determine if I have HIV, Hep B and/or C from this asshole.

I cannot believe someone can endanger so many people and not give a shit. If someone hadn't caught him, he'd still be at it. I get that addiction is terrible, but after all I've been through--all others have been through medically--now I have this worry as well? It's not enough to have had cancer, chemo, and now radiation. Now I have to worry that I'll have a lifelong, potentially terminal, illness.

I am angry, as I'm sure the 2899 other people affected by this irresponsibility are too. WTF is wrong with people?

Doctors. Augh.

I can't imagine being a doctor. Long hours, stress, not getting a chance to know the patients. Years of schooling and training. I can't imagine the life.

And while many of the doctors I've had throughout this cancer experience have been terrific, and I'll talk about them in a different post, some of the doctors I've had have been cruel and impersonal.

It's not enough to have my entire life invaded with cancer and cancer specialists, radiologists, people touching my boobs. I've also had to experience some doctors who treated me cruelly and unfairly.

The radiologist who had to place the wires in my breast and on either side of my tumor forgot to fully deaden my breast before inserting them. I nearly fell off the table with pain, and I started to cry. I cried so hard, I couldn't stop. I knew the nurses were unhappy with the doctor's treatment of me, but they couldn't say anything in front of me. How could a doctor forget? Oh yeah, she was running late and in a hurry because  my lumpectomy began at 2. I know we all make mistakes, but her carelessness was painful as well as endangering my lumpectomy time.

The radiologist who removed my port is similar. He made me wait 90 minutes for what was supposed to be a short surgery. Even my nurse was frustrated because he was sitting in the back instead of with me. The actual procedure to remove the port was longer than the procedure to place the port. He was rough, rocking my body back and forth, and he didn't wait for the Lidocaine to take effect before he cut into me. He virtually laid on my breast as he wrestled out the port. Stitching me up seemed to be a problem too, and some of the stitches hurt. I tried to laugh through it, but as I look at how bruised I am, I don't understand why I'm more bruised this time than when the port went in.

How about the infectious diseases doctor when I had an abscess in my breast? He refused to come to the hospital to see me the day I was supposed to leave because he was "too busy." He really upset my nurse, who called my surgeon to ask for a prescription instead of waiting for the infectious diseases doctor. My surgeon agreed to give me a prescription, and lo and behold! the infectious diseases doctor wasn't too busy after all as he hurried to see me. Then he had the audacity to sit there and sound disappointed that I didn't have something totally identifiable. Additionally, he prescribed me an antibiotic that made me nauseous. He told me to deal with the nausea. The pharmacist tried to argue him out of the meds, and when he wouldn't budge, she made sure I had some nausea relief meds.

I'd love to tell someone about these doctors, but who do I tell? These doctors get paid regardless. No one evaluates them or asks patients about their care under these doctors. Hell, this last doctor didn't even finish my surgery; a surgical tech did. WTF? What makes doctors think they can treat patients so disrespectfully? I don't expect them to sit and hear my life story, but I do expect to be treated with compassion and care.

World Cancer Day today!

It's rather sad to have a sad 'celebrating' cancer. I mean, I know no one is exactly celebrating cancer, but I've felt fairly negative toward it all day.

More attention needs to be paid toward cancer, definitely, and more money for its research. Treatments have come a long way in the past twenty years, but let's face it, cancer treatments are brutal and ugly. And I live in the USA; I can't imagine what it's like having cancer in a country that has fewer doctors and/or abilities to treat cancer patients.

Some advancements, like placing a port rather than having to start an IV each time a patient goes to chemo has been a great invention. Drug cocktails given to alleviate nausea, poor appetite, bathroom problems, and swelling have helped cancer patients live better lives. I remember when my mom was going through treatment for breast cancer; she turned yellow and couldn't eat anything because it all tasted so bad. I didn't turn yellow, and for only a few days a week did food taste funny.

Then there are problems with insurance, which can limit a patient's access to good care. Insurance dictates whether a procedure is "acceptable" or not. Insurance can refuse a patient's claims. Insurance refuses to pay for breast reconstruction, reduction, or implants because they aren't 'medically necessary,' regardless of the shame a woman might feel about having noticeably lopsided breasts or no breasts.

I feel negative toward World Cancer Day because I think it's something that should be acknowledged more than one day per year (or two, if you count October). There are so many illnesses that science has been able to overcome; it would be nice if researchers had the money to solve this one too.

Chemo Side Effects

I know chemo patients hate the side effects. I like to think I've conquered them, but each time I feel like I'm winning, another side effect rears its ugly head.

Eye twitches: so annoying! Nothing like trying to have a serious conversation while one or both eyes twitch fiercely. 

Neuropathy: oh yes, fingertip pain. And foot pain. My nails actually have blotches under them. 

Tummy troubles: 'nuff said.

Memory loss: um, forgot what I was going to say. Words fail me.

Red spots: no idea what they are, but they're all over my legs. 

Exhaustion and low energy: I'm a middle-aged woman with a child and a full time job. I already have issues with energy and exhaustion, and this doesn't help!

Swelling: this is new. I've gained four pounds in the last couple of days, and my feet, ankles, and hands are super swollen. Ugh. Gross. 

Of course, hair loss. Positives: extra time in the morning, no hair clogging drains, no worries about how it looks. Negatives: cold, cold, cold! people staring, hats and scarves. Did I mention cold?

Chemo's not fun; neither are the side effects. But the alternative is far worse.